The Selfish Gene
by Bugsie70
Summary: Miranda is dealing with some personal issues, will she open up to someone about her problems, or will she remain the 'Ice Queen' that everybody has labelled her?


I wrote this piece after playing the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC and as a response to what was in Miranda's dossier. This originally started as a ME challenge drabble on Live Journal but decided to expand on the piece. Thanks to Nekhbet at BSN for valuable comments and advice on the piece.

As someone who is currently going through issues with infertility, her dossier struck me as particularly poignant and even though I am a 'half glass full' kind of girl, writing this has been somewhat therapeutic. But after 3 years of conception issues and 2 years of IVF treatment, 1 miscarriage and 1 ectopic pregnancy later, I find myself somewhat circumspect in trying to portray a character who may be in the same boat as me, but is so very unlike me.

I don't think of Miranda as overly emotional about things, and have purposely written this as someone who is, albeit upset, is not one to fall into some crazy heap about her circumstances. I would like to think that she might, as a consequence of this, open up a little, and become a more approachable, likable character (I liked her before anyway, just this made me like her more.)

I hope I have done her character justice.

Bioware and Mass Effect are my sandbox.

* * *

This had not been expected.

She was genetically perfect.

"Genetically perfect," she whispered.

She instinctively moved her hand to her belly, the knot that appeared when she opened the message, tightened further.

"No, that can't be right," she stated aloud this time. "They've done something wrong, mixed up my test results or something."

But she knew it was right, they were the best, they had told her straight. Right now though, she wanted to flay the doctors alive, demonise them. A slight blue flare surrounded her now clenched fist.

"He did this to me," her voice cracked.

_He's pissed in my gene pool. Another thing to add to the list._

The door opened, distracting her from her thoughts, "Shepard, what can I do for you?"

"Miranda, do you have time to talk?"

"For you, Shepard, always."

"Just seeing how you're doing, Miranda."

"Not bad, thank you, Shepard." _Lies. _"Take a seat please." She eyed the Commander suspiciously as she took a seat on the other side of her desk. Despite the fact that she had served under Shepard for many months now, she felt she just didn't have a handle on this woman. Whatever Cerberus had in her profile report about her, just didn't add up when you were face to face with her.

"Have you heard from Oriana?"

Miranda nodded. "Several times. She's stubborn, opinionated, doesn't listen to others. She thinks she knows it all…."

"Not at all like anyone we know is it?" Shepard's mouth moved into a half smirk.

"Certainly, Commander, I understand that… but I don't think I was ever that exasperating at her age."

"Whatever you were at that age, Miranda, is probably tainted with other things. You were most likely very similar. Your genetic makeup will play a surprising amount of influence over who you are, what you become. In the nature versus nurture argument, I err on the side of nature."

"Well, nature's a bitch," she replied vehemently.

"Hey! Nature, albeit with a bit of help from altered genetic engineering, has been pretty kind to the human race. We live longer," she paused and laughed, "Well some of us do. It's amazing what the human body can do now. Even at the initial stages of life."

"You mean at conception?" Miranda stiffened and silently kicked herself. _Hell, don't bring this up now._

"Yes, conception, I mean we have a longer period that we're fertile. That symbolic biological clock that a lot of people go on about now has an extended deadline. Not that I'm interested of course, and considering what's happened to me I'm not even sure I can have children. What about you Miranda?"

_Fuck. This was not the conversation she wanted to be having right now. No, not the time or the place for this._

"I've not really given it much thought, Shepard." She tried to sound dismissive but her voice wavered.

"Really?" Shepard raised her eyebrow. "I thought with all that's happened, maybe one day…"

"No... yes… I mean no. I haven't given it much thought." Miranda replied, her icy demeanour dropping for a nanosecond. _More l__ies._ Since meeting up with Oriana again, outside of her Cerberus duties, that was all she could think about.

"But then again you aren't…." Shepard stopped her address.

"Aren't what?" she felt annoyed, she knew what Shepard might say and she wasn't looking forward to hearing it from her CO's lips.

"Well, you aren't the most nurturing of individuals."

"I don't know about that, Shepard, I mean I…."

"Oh c'mon, Miranda. Let's see. Jack still calls you the Cerberus bitch cheerleader, a lot of the other squad mates we've recruited don't trust you. Hey, even Jacob said…."

"Jacob?" Her voice carried a hurt tone at the implication that even he didn't like her.

"Oh look – what I mean to say is, you have a reputation for being an ice queen. It doesn't go down well with the crew. You're the XO but you're aloof, unapproachable. We're only human, Miranda, don't cut yourself away from what Cerberus is supposedly fighting for."

"But fraternisation…"

"Fuck fraternisation. We need people, Miranda, don't deny yourself company because you think you're supposed to act… be… a certain way," she paused. "Ask yourself what are you fighting for, Miranda. A future for humanity? You have to be truly human to want that. It means opening yourself up to a lot of things, even if they're painful."

Miranda bowed her head. "You're right, Shepard, I… I…" she paused. _I have to think this through, I can't…_

"Is there something you want to say, Miranda? I'm here; I'm here for my crew. All my crew."

"Even the bitchy cheerleader ones?" She asked sullenly.

"Even the bitchy cheerleaders." Shepard replied.

Miranda's tone stiffened again, "I have a lot to do, Shepard, maybe we can talk later."

Shepard shifted in her seat before standing, a concerned look on her face. "Sure, Miranda, another time perhaps…."

"Sure, another time. Thanks for dropping by, Shepard." _Yeah another time. Perhaps._

One month later…

Miranda finished going over some of the information that Liara had given to her and headed up to the CIC. Everything had seemed to go smoothly in dealing with the Shadow Broker, but Miranda had noticed that since Liara's visit Shepard had seemed not quite herself. Now a message had come through from Garrus requesting a leave of absence from the Normandy, right when she had scheduled weapons overhauls. _What the hell was going on?_

Shepard wasn't in the CIC so she approached Kelly, who was, as usual, standing diligently at her terminal.

"Shepard not about Kelly?"

"And hello to you too Miranda. The Commander is with Zaeed," the bubbly redhead said.

"Oh great. That means it will be several hours before we see her again." Miranda answered dryly.

"Is there anything I can help you with Miranda?"

"No, no nothing I guess," she paused for a moment before considering that maybe questioning Kelly on the matter would be easier than asking the Commander directly. "Kelly can I get your opinion on something?"

"Of course."

"I've noticed the Commander acting a little 'odd' since Liara left. Do you know what's going on?"

"I'm not sure. I recognised she was upset about something. I asked her if I could assist with anything, and all she said was it was her 'command responsibility' to deal with it. Whatever 'it' was. She asked me to schedule various members of the crew in for individual meetings."

"Really?"

"Yes I was just going to add you to the list. She wants a word with you – sometime later today if possible."

"Well, yes, I guess I'm free." A puzzled look crossed her face. "Does this have anything to do with Garrus requesting a leave of absence?"

"Shepard did spend some time talking with him this morning. Yesterday she spent almost the entire day with Thane, but she hasn't shared any information with me."

"Thanks, Kelly. I guess I'll have a word with Shepard later, that is, if she can tear herself away from Zaeed's exploits."

Miranda headed up back to her office grabbing a coffee on the way through, ignoring Jack who was snarling at her and some of the rest of the crew who seemed to be chatting away and laughing. She hesitated, _maybe I could join in_, but then she took one more look at Jack. _Maybe not_, she decided instead to remove herself back to the sanctity of her office.

What Shepard wanted to talk to her about she didn't know, but she felt somewhat anxious considering what there last _tête-à-tête_ had touched on. She had time to get her head around a few issues _I'm dealing with it; I don't need to speak to anyone about how I feel._ Somehow her thoughts had a hollow ring to them.

She busied herself with a variety of tasks hardly aware of the time passing, her thoughts trained on only business; to think of anything else was a distraction, and not a welcome one.

Shepard arrived several hours later to Miranda's office. "Miranda," she said softly.

"Shepard, Kelly told me you wanted to speak with me, what's this all about?" Miranda removed herself from behind the desk gesturing Shepard to her internal apartment. They both sat down, Miranda still managing to maintain some distance.

"I came across some information courtesy of Liara."

"I gathered that. You seem distracted. What sort of information?"

"Stuff that would put even Cerberus' information gathering to shame. The Shadow Broker had quite a bit of information on Cerberus, various underworld characters, officials, and most disturbingly, my crew."

"I find that hard to believe, not unless we have a spy here on the ship."

"I'm afraid anything is possible, Miranda, but for now, that's not what I'm worried about. I've seen enough information on my crew to be concerned for them, personally."

"I don't get this, Shepard, you're privy to quite a bit of information, I'm sure that there's quite a bit of information you already have at your fingertips, albeit some of that through me."

"Well, yes and no. The information the Shadow Broker had was extremely personal, stuff that I wasn't aware of, wasn't privy too. Personal logs, extranet activities, email communications, medical reports. There was information on pretty much most of my squad. Including you."

"And this is why you're here; to discuss whatever personal information you came across?"

"Yes."

Miranda stood, and began to pace the room. She wasn't normally the wringing of hands type, but this conversation, she knew where it was headed, and she wasn't comfortable with that at all. "Shepard, what if I don't want to discuss something with you… you can't make me..."

"I know, Miranda, and I'm not here to do that. I'm simply here to tell you what I have learnt and if you want to talk to me that's your prerogative. I am not here to pressure you into any unwanted discussions."

Miranda's posture relaxed at Shepard's explanation, but she remained standing.

"Well, okay then, tell me what you've learnt, Shepard."

"There was a dossier. It detailed your communications with Oriana, personal interactions with a dating agency, and before I go on, I know all of this information is none of my business. The dossier also had medical information on you..."

Miranda stood still, taking in what Shepard had to say.

"Miranda, the information in the dossier told me that you are unable to conceive. Considering our last talk, it was something I didn't realise was an issue, so I've come to apologise if I seemed too forward when we last spoke."

Miranda remained unresponsive for a moment before taking a seat, this time closer to Shepard. _Maybe this is a good time. Tell her you idiot, what harm can it do?_

"I've been thinking a lot about this Shepard. More than I think it deserves. It's true, our previous discussion did touch on this, but don't apologise, you weren't to know."

"Still, I was prying when I shouldn't have. I had a sense something was bothering you."

"Well you were right; I had only just received that information. Since then I've had time to process things a bit, but right now… I don't know quite what to do. I'm angry. Angry at the supposed ideal that I was bought up as 'genetically perfect', when this is clearly not the case. Whatever was done to my genes to make me this way also made it impossible for me to conceive naturally. Everything I thought I knew about myself has to be thrown out the window."

"Well, that sounds dramatic, Miranda; I wouldn't go as far as to say you need to do that. Okay there are things to work through obviously, but don't think you have to start from scratch because now you consider yourself less than perfect. Hey, welcome to my world. If that were the case then I would have had to consider death and resurrection more than once in order to get some equilibrium back in my life."

"Shepard, this is all new to me. I feel lost, out of balance. I never thought of family, except to stop and loathe my father's actions. That was until Oriana came along. Now I can't stop thinking about it. My own condition doesn't prey too much on my mind, more medical tests are needed obviously. I haven't given up all hope… but Oriana. She is my genetic equivalent, Shepard, is she to have the same fate as me?"

"Miranda, I don't know. It's something you'll have to find out. Use what you have as a foundation, you can help Oriana. I have confidence that you can deal with things. The selfish gene requires that you do."

"The selfish gene? I'm afraid you've lost me, Shepard."

Shepard laughed. "What I mean to say, Miranda, in a very oversimplified way, is that you have discovered you would gladly sacrifice your own life, your own happiness to protect the lives of kin, whether that is kin of your own making – a child in this instance – or your sister. You're acting in the interest of your own genes and you aren't even aware. I think this touches on the very notion of humanity that we discussed before."

"I think I'm aware of the theory, Shepard, I just never thought about it in relation to… well, in relation to me."

"Miranda, you have plenty of time to deal with this issue. And you're part of my crew. I am here for you as much as you are for me."

"I… I wasn't really prepared to talk about this with anyone. If you hadn't seen that dossier, I doubt we'd be having this conversation. But thank you for listening, and thank you for… well, for a lot of things."

"Glad I can take the chill out of even the iciest of my crew," she smirked.

"Does the rest of the crew have similar issues?" She looked expectantly at Shepard.

"Miranda…."

"Sorry, Shepard, old habits you know."

"I'll give you this bit of information for now. I'm due to have a chat with Jack tomorrow. For safety's sake, lock your door. But tonight all is safe, join us for a drink, Kelly wants us to have a crew 'bonding' session." Shepard rolled her eyes. "The bar in port observation deck, 8 pm. Kasumi has kindly offered her abode," she stood to leave.

"I'll consider it, Shepard." _Yes I might just do that._

When the Commander left, Miranda sat down at her terminal and began to type.

"_Hey, Ori, you online?"_

"_Yeah Hi, Randa, I'm here. What's up?"_


End file.
